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What is the correct response in this case?

 
Alexmahone
 
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Alexmahone
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28 November 2017 23:47
 

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?

 
GAD
 
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GAD
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29 November 2017 00:04
 
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?

What are your choices; truth, spin, deflection, evasion, lie. The best response is the one that will help her the most.

 
 
ubique13
 
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ubique13
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29 November 2017 04:11
 
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?

The correct response is not to find your daughters attractive, if I had to guess. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

 
 
hannahtoo
 
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hannahtoo
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29 November 2017 15:01
 

Something like, “As your loving father, I see beauty in each of you, inside and out.  I don’t rank my daughters.”

 
Alexmahone
 
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Alexmahone
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29 November 2017 16:56
 
hannahtoo - 29 November 2017 03:01 PM

Something like, “As your loving father, I see beauty in each of you, inside and out.  I don’t rank my daughters.”

This is an excellent answer. Thanks!

 
SkepticX
 
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30 November 2017 09:46
 
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?


I’d go with:
  This is why we wanted boys.

 
 
Brick Bungalow
 
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Brick Bungalow
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30 November 2017 20:11
 

Just lie.

 
ubique13
 
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ubique13
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30 November 2017 21:47
 
SkepticX - 30 November 2017 09:46 AM
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?


I’d go with:
  This is why we wanted boys.


This is why there are women who believe that all men are scum.

 
 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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01 December 2017 09:38
 
ubique13 - 30 November 2017 09:47 PM
SkepticX - 30 November 2017 09:46 AM
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?


I’d go with:
  This is why we wanted boys.

This is why there are women who believe that all men are scum.

Well, this woman thinks that SkepticX’s suggested response was hilarious.

 

 
 
sojourner
 
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sojourner
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01 December 2017 20:52
 
Jan_CAN - 01 December 2017 09:38 AM
ubique13 - 30 November 2017 09:47 PM
SkepticX - 30 November 2017 09:46 AM
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?


I’d go with:
  This is why we wanted boys.

This is why there are women who believe that all men are scum.

Well, this woman thinks that SkepticX’s suggested response was hilarious.


I agree, although to be fair, if ubique is from another country, this might not come across as ‘funny because of course it’s absurd’. Sons are preferred in many middle eastern countries, infanticide of daughters in India and Asian countries was still quite an issue not so long ago, and even in Eastern Europe they say some pretty weird ass shit about how much women should prefer having sons. If you’re from the US (and maybe Canada, Western Europe, not sure,) you’d know the sub context is that females are, if anything, often the slightly preferred gender for expecting parents (it’s not uncommon for mothers to have additional children to ‘keep trying for a girl’, or occasionally even sigh and say “I ended up with all boys!”, but I rarely if ever hear the reverse - not trying to be reverse sexist, I don’t agree with this sentiment, just noting that I’ve observed it.)


Long overthinking it way of saying don’t worry, it was a joke ubique.

 
 
SkepticX
 
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02 December 2017 07:28
 

Thanks for the support Jan, and NL—good call!

My mom still uses I should have had an abortion when she gets particularly perturbed with me.

It’s still funny to me even though she’s been saying it for five decades (probably three or four, actually—pretty sure she wouldn’t have used it on me when I was too young to understand or appreciate it).

 
 
sojourner
 
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02 December 2017 07:29
 
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?


There is always someone prettier, smarter, thinner, richer, whatever your worry is in life. My older brother was smarter than me. The younger was far more popular. The youngest was both (smarter and more popular.) I would joke about it by doing silly things like showing up at the breakfast table wearing his Homecoming King crown, going “Oh, this is just something I won because I’m that awesome, don’t mind me, just going to eat my eggs in this, this morning.”, but I mostly felt familial pride in those cases.


I guess the question in my mind is, why is she asking if her sister is prettier and not if, say, Karlie Kloss is prettier than her? I’d kinda think about that and see if there’s something going on between them. Does she feel like you pay more attention to her, that her sister is more included at school, were they fighting over a boy, was someone bullying her on a “Hot or Not” list, things like that.

 
 
Jan_CAN
 
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02 December 2017 07:52
 
SkepticX - 02 December 2017 07:28 AM

Thanks for the support Jan, and NL—good call!

My mom still uses I should have had an abortion when she gets particularly perturbed with me.

It’s still funny to me even though she’s been saying it for five decades (probably three or four, actually—pretty sure she wouldn’t have used it on me when I was too young to understand or appreciate it).

That’s funny.  Yeah, having a sense of humour is so important, especially in family life.

 
 
hannahtoo
 
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02 December 2017 07:57
 
NL. - 02 December 2017 07:29 AM
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?


There is always someone prettier, smarter, thinner, richer, whatever your worry is in life. My older brother was smarter than me. The younger was far more popular. The youngest was both (smarter and more popular.) I would joke about it by doing silly things like showing up at the breakfast table wearing his Homecoming King crown, going “Oh, this is just something I won because I’m that awesome, don’t mind me, just going to eat my eggs in this, this morning.”, but I mostly felt familial pride in those cases.


I guess the question in my mind is, why is she asking if her sister is prettier and not if, say, Karlie Kloss is prettier than her? I’d kinda think about that and see if there’s something going on between them. Does she feel like you pay more attention to her, that her sister is more included at school, were they fighting over a boy, was someone bullying her on a “Hot or Not” list, things like that.

Very good insights.  Also, I’d add that there is some separation between how a child feels her parents perceive her, and how the world perceives her.  That is, does the family seem like a safe place to come home to, no matter what is going outside?  Do mom and/or dad show unconditional love, or play favorites?  Do they support the children in finding their own ways, or pigeonhole them?

It is impossible to be a perfect parent.  But I’d at least avoid the pitfalls of overt comparisons of children.  My guess is that NL’s parents recognized her brothers’ strengths, while not explicitly saying, “Now, now NL, you know you are the funny one, not the smart one.  So don’t worry that you got a C on that test.”  The kids will have their own ideas on comparisons nonetheless.

 
Jan_CAN
 
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02 December 2017 08:17
 
hannahtoo - 02 December 2017 07:57 AM
NL. - 02 December 2017 07:29 AM
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?

There is always someone prettier, smarter, thinner, richer, whatever your worry is in life. My older brother was smarter than me. The younger was far more popular. The youngest was both (smarter and more popular.) I would joke about it by doing silly things like showing up at the breakfast table wearing his Homecoming King crown, going “Oh, this is just something I won because I’m that awesome, don’t mind me, just going to eat my eggs in this, this morning.”, but I mostly felt familial pride in those cases.

I guess the question in my mind is, why is she asking if her sister is prettier and not if, say, Karlie Kloss is prettier than her? I’d kinda think about that and see if there’s something going on between them. Does she feel like you pay more attention to her, that her sister is more included at school, were they fighting over a boy, was someone bullying her on a “Hot or Not” list, things like that.

Very good insights.  Also, I’d add that there is some separation between how a child feels her parents perceive her, and how the world perceives her.  That is, does the family seem like a safe place to come home to, no matter what is going outside?  Do mom and/or dad show unconditional love, or play favorites?  Do they support the children in finding their own ways, or pigeonhole them?

It is impossible to be a perfect parent.  But I’d at least avoid the pitfalls of overt comparisons of children.  My guess is that NL’s parents recognized her brothers’ strengths, while not explicitly saying, “Now, now NL, you know you are the funny one, not the smart one.  So don’t worry that you got a C on that test.”  The kids will have their own ideas on comparisons nonetheless.

Good insights by NL and hannahtoo.  If children feel equally loved and valued for themselves, and comparisons between children not made, they will have more self-confidence and come to understand that everyone has their own strengths.

 
 
sojourner
 
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02 December 2017 09:26
 
Jan_CAN - 02 December 2017 08:17 AM
hannahtoo - 02 December 2017 07:57 AM
NL. - 02 December 2017 07:29 AM
Alexmahone - 28 November 2017 11:47 PM

Suppose you have two teenage daughters: one good-looking and the other not-so-good-looking. The not-so-good-looking one comes up to you and says “Daddy, is my sister better looking than me?” What is the correct response?

There is always someone prettier, smarter, thinner, richer, whatever your worry is in life. My older brother was smarter than me. The younger was far more popular. The youngest was both (smarter and more popular.) I would joke about it by doing silly things like showing up at the breakfast table wearing his Homecoming King crown, going “Oh, this is just something I won because I’m that awesome, don’t mind me, just going to eat my eggs in this, this morning.”, but I mostly felt familial pride in those cases.

I guess the question in my mind is, why is she asking if her sister is prettier and not if, say, Karlie Kloss is prettier than her? I’d kinda think about that and see if there’s something going on between them. Does she feel like you pay more attention to her, that her sister is more included at school, were they fighting over a boy, was someone bullying her on a “Hot or Not” list, things like that.

Very good insights.  Also, I’d add that there is some separation between how a child feels her parents perceive her, and how the world perceives her.  That is, does the family seem like a safe place to come home to, no matter what is going outside?  Do mom and/or dad show unconditional love, or play favorites?  Do they support the children in finding their own ways, or pigeonhole them?

It is impossible to be a perfect parent.  But I’d at least avoid the pitfalls of overt comparisons of children.  My guess is that NL’s parents recognized her brothers’ strengths, while not explicitly saying, “Now, now NL, you know you are the funny one, not the smart one.  So don’t worry that you got a C on that test.”  The kids will have their own ideas on comparisons nonetheless.

Good insights by NL and hannahtoo.  If children feel equally loved and valued for themselves, and comparisons between children not made, they will have more self-confidence and come to understand that everyone has their own strengths.


Thanks, Hannah and Jan. And yeah, my family is sometimes complicated, but my parents and my mother especially always made sibling solidarity something of an explicit goal and value (she functionally lost both her parents unexpectedly when she was a teenager and always said that when your parents are gone, your siblings are the family that you have left to rely on, so she generally avoided playing one of us against the other, like “Why can’t you be more like your brother!”.) They did compliment all of our strengths without comparing, and they also explicitly talked about why sibling relationships are important, both in conversations and in their spontaneous reactions to things. If there were adult siblings in our very extended family - third and fourth cousins, etc. - who broke ties over something like inheritance feuds, for example, we could see that they were genuinely appalled and upset by this - they were never ever like “Oh, well, I can see so and so’s point because he really lost out…”, they were just like “It is absolutely unbelievable that someone would put money over family.”

 
 
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