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Time for a little break?

 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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07 October 2018 09:03
 

Tensions are running high out in the ‘real world’ and here at the forum.  But it’s hard to be mad at someone you’re laughing with.

Please post a funny video, tell us a silly joke, or a pun that makes us all groan.  The goofier the better.

(No politics, p-l-e-a-s-e.)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLVfBYwnXq4

 
 
Skipshot
 
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Skipshot
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07 October 2018 09:11
EN
 
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EN
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07 October 2018 10:16
 

You have to say this one to get the proper effect: Those who jump off bridges in Paris are insane. (Think about the last word - the culturally and geographically challenged won’t get this).

 
EN
 
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EN
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07 October 2018 10:20
 
Jan_CAN - 07 October 2018 09:03 AM

Tensions are running high out in the ‘real world’ and here at the forum.  But it’s hard to be mad at someone you’re laughing with.

Please post a funny video, tell us a silly joke, or a pun that makes us all groan.  The goofier the better.

(No politics, p-l-e-a-s-e.)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLVfBYwnXq4

Oh, that was good!

 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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07 October 2018 10:27
 
EN - 07 October 2018 10:16 AM

You have to say this one to get the proper effect: Those who jump off bridges in Paris are insane. (Think about the last word - the culturally and geographically challenged won’t get this).

Haha ... good one.  My father loved a ‘good’ pun so I grew up on them.

 
 
EN
 
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EN
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07 October 2018 10:36
 

No matter how kind your children are, German children are kinder.

 
GAD
 
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GAD
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07 October 2018 10:39
 

One my youngest one said to his older brother.

You are so dumb that in the zombie apocalypse the zombies will walk right past you.

 
 
Skipshot
 
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Skipshot
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07 October 2018 10:55
 
GAD - 07 October 2018 10:39 AM

One my youngest one said to his older brother.

You are so dumb that in the zombie apocalypse the zombies will walk right past you.

Yes!  I’ll give that one to my savages.

 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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07 October 2018 11:07
 

Here are some more for GAD’s and Skip’s kids:

https://www.higgypop.com/news/zombie-jokes/

 
 
GAD
 
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GAD
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07 October 2018 11:21
 
Jan_CAN - 07 October 2018 11:07 AM

Here are some more for GAD’s and Skip’s kids:

https://www.higgypop.com/news/zombie-jokes/

Here’s my faves from that.

Q: What did the zombie do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

Q: Why did the zombie ignore all his Facebook friends?
A: He was still digesting all of his followers on Twitter

 
 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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07 October 2018 11:28
 
GAD - 07 October 2018 11:21 AM
Jan_CAN - 07 October 2018 11:07 AM

Here are some more for GAD’s and Skip’s kids:

https://www.higgypop.com/news/zombie-jokes/

Here’s my faves from that.

Q: What did the zombie do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

Q: Why did the zombie ignore all his Facebook friends?
A: He was still digesting all of his followers on Twitter

Lol, it’s hard to choose, but my favourites are:

Q: Do zombies eat brains with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately.

Q: Why did the zombie lose an argument?
A: He had no leg to stand on.

 

 
 
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Skipshot
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07 October 2018 14:40
 

Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?
A:  Graaaaaiiinnnssss. . .

 
burt
 
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burt
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07 October 2018 17:39
 

Once there was a man and his wife living in Canberra, Australia. They were a happy couple, in late middle-age, retired and their children had long since moved out. As often happens in such cases, the husband would spend time at the club, or fishing, or drinking beer with his mates and the wife started feeling bored. To deal with this she considered several options—have an affair, take up knitting, take some cooking classes, join a bridge club—but none of these appealed (well, perhaps the affair a bit). Then she hit on gardening and loved it. Especially her strawberry patch. She believed that she grew fantastic strawberries and would enter them in the annual county fair but never seemed to win. Then, at the beginning of the season, she not iced one strawberry on a bush in her garden that was sure to be a winner. It was already as large as a lemon and still quite green. She started giving it special attention, extra food and so on, and with all this attention and care the strawberry responded. Soon it was as large as a football. Still green. She built a shelter around it, put in grow lights, and moved out to sleep with it in a down sleeping bag.

Her husband was a gentle sort who was glad his wife had found something to keep her busy.

Soon the strawberry was as large as a small car, still green, but getting slightly pinkish. And it was getting expensive. The wife was also spending all of her time with it and her husband was beginning to wish she’s just have an affair instead. And the strawberry kept growing. Soon it was as large as the garage and a nice shade of red. The wife was sure this would win her a prize. The husband just wanted to get rid of the damn thing. And finally, he snapped. Picking up the phone he called the local building administration. They sent over an inspector who condemned the berry on the spot as a danger. So the husband phoned Wilson & Sons trucking and ordered a flat bed truck to haul the berry away.

“Hello, I want to have a large flatbed truck sent to my address to haul away a strawberry.”

“What!”

I will spare readers the ensuing conversation. Suffice it to say that the next morning bright and early a large flatbed truck showed up and the driver knocked on the front door. The husband was nervous, he had not told his wife about what he had done. He opened the door.

“Hello, mate, I’m here for the strawberry.” 

“Yes, yes, it’s around back. But please, I haven’t told my wife and she’ll be terribly distressed. So if you could, just say some nice things about it, what a great strawberry it is, that sort of stuff.”

“Hell, you seen one strawberry, you seen ‘em all.”

“No, please, please, just tell her how fantastic it is.”

“Look, pal, I’m here to seize her berry, not to praise it.”

 
hannahtoo
 
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hannahtoo
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08 October 2018 14:14
 

Burt:
“Look, pal, I’m here to seize her berry, not to praise it.”

I had a high funny school teacher, whom I can still remember intoning in very exaggerated iambic pentameter, “I come, to bu-, ry Cae-, sar not , to praise him.”

[ Edited: 08 October 2018 14:31 by hannahtoo]
 
TheAnal_lyticPhilosopher
 
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TheAnal_lyticPhilosopher
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09 October 2018 16:40
 

One smart frakin’ mouse—an anecdote. 

We live in the woods, so we get mice in the house.  No matter what we do, they get in.  So naturally we try to catch them, but being humane lovers of all things great and small, we use Mouse Cubes, a live trap with a slopping door that the mouse crawls under to get to the food, so it falls back down behind it, sealing it in.  It’s a clever little device that helps us get rid of the mice and preserve our consciences as well (those mice, after all, are just trying to make a living like anyone else).

Well, as clever as that trap is, there is a clever mouse.  One time last week I checked the trap, only to find it turned over on its side and the bait gone.  The door would swing sideways this way, preventing it from slamming down behind the mouse.  I told myself I must have set it wrong, suspicious though I was that I hadn’t.  So I resent the trap.

Last night while watching TV, I heard the trap moving in the kitchen (the little stinkers love the kitchen).  I got up and found the trap on its side, but with the bait still in it.  Mousus interuptus.  So my wife had an idea.  We wedged the trap between a cooler we’d left out and the cabinet baseboard, this way the mouse couldn’t turn it over.  TV watching resumed.

Not five minutes later we heard the trap moving again.  This time the stinker had pulled the trap out from between the cooler and the cabinet, then turned it over, but we got there before he could get the bait.  So we reset it, this time wedging it in and taping it to the floor.  TV watching resumed

Bingo.  Quite a while later, after I’d gone to bed, my wife heard the door clank down and sure enough, she checked the trap and there was the mouse.  Apparently mouse rationality only goes so far, with its instinct for food overriding its avoidance of a trap, if there is no foreseeable way to avoid it.  Call it a delayed or frustrated gratification problem, not a problem of mouse cleverness.  In any case, I took the mouse out and drove it down to the grassy right-of-way the power lines run through in order to release it.  A mouse that clever surely deserves to go free.

In retrospect I almost wish I’d kept the thing ‘til morning, then gone out and bought an aquarium to keep it as a pet.  But on a second thought a mouse that clever deserves to be free, to make it on its own in the world through its own resourcefulness, in the wild where it belongs.  But damn, that was one smart mouse.  Nothing but respect for the little stinker, as annoying as they are.

[ Edited: 09 October 2018 16:43 by TheAnal_lyticPhilosopher]
 
Skipshot
 
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Skipshot
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09 October 2018 16:53
 

Q:  If you are American when you enter a restroom and American when you exit, what are you when inside the restroom?
A:  European

 
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