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What turns people on?

 
nonverbal
 
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nonverbal
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06 December 2018 05:20
 

Although men typically react to visual-beauty stimuli, both genders do, of course. Quirks aside (and quirkiness might deserve its own thread), and while there are gender differences, I think men and women are more in sync with what they find sexually attractive than might commonly be expected.

What turns men on? What turns women on? What turns everybody on?

I’ll go first. I think any one of the following positives can, if it’s strong enough, hold great sway in the sexual-attraction game. And more than one can nullify just about any negative:

- attitude is always important, as it needs to be appropriate as it adjusts to a variety of life situations.

- grace (of some sort) under fire (of some sort).

- pleasant voice, strong without being annoying.

- honesty—including self-honesty—but not to a ridiculous degree.

- knows how to have fun.

- knows how to stop having fun.

- “super-power” knowledge, skill or talent, without accompanying attitude baggage that might signal non-self approval or excessive self-doubt in some way.

- apparent physical fitness.

- apparent mental fitness.

- quiet confidence can be signaled via posture, eye movements, and other body language.

- authenticity, either apparent or actual.

- willingness/desire to earn a living.

- communication ability.

- takes life seriously, but not too seriously.


What do others here think? What turns people on? Are sex-cue differences between genders starkly different and I’m just imagining things?

 
Skipshot
 
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Skipshot
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06 December 2018 06:20
 

We’re in the same time zone, so why are you awake so early?  (I’m too busy to read and respond to your post, and just wanted to say Hi.)

 
nonverbal
 
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nonverbal
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06 December 2018 06:37
 
Skipshot - 06 December 2018 06:20 AM

We’re in the same time zone, so why are you awake so early?  (I’m too busy to read and respond to your post, and just wanted to say Hi.)

Because I’m not getting laid!

 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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06 December 2018 08:50
 

Interesting topic.  nv, I think your list of positives is right-on.

I tend to lump together many of the listed positives as being ‘charming’ – not the phoney kind, but the old-fashioned meaning of someone who is pleasant, polite, friendly, and likable.

I think that, in general, men are somewhat more affected by physical appearance, at least initially.  Which is one reason why women’s self-worth has more often been tied up with their appearance.  We’d probably need an anthropologist to properly explain why this is so.  In addition, there are some people of both genders who are perhaps more superficial than others; I suspect some are affected by societal influences on who they should be attracted to instead of heeding their own instincts and preferences.

From my perspective, it is a turn-on when it is clear that a man actually likes women, not just sexually, e.g. sustained eye contact when listening to what you have to say, etc.  And top on my list is a sense of humour, which is also an indication of self-confidence and other attributes.

In general, whether looking for a little nooky or a long-term relationship, I think it is preferable to put less effort into trying to impress and more into being real.

 
 
GAD
 
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GAD
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06 December 2018 09:27
 

Don’t forget hung like a horse.

 
 
Antisocialdarwinist
 
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Antisocialdarwinist
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06 December 2018 09:48
 

Money, power and fame.

 
 
nonverbal
 
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06 December 2018 09:55
 
GAD - 06 December 2018 09:27 AM

Don’t forget hung like a horse.

I forgot about that one for no particular reason. Why, I’ve got nothing to worry about. Yeah—that’s the ticket!
https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/liars/n9373

 
nonverbal
 
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06 December 2018 09:56
 
Antisocialdarwinist - 06 December 2018 09:48 AM

Money, power and fame.

But what are the subcategories, in your observations?

 
Brick Bungalow
 
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Brick Bungalow
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06 December 2018 10:30
 

There is a danger in these questions to smuggle flattery. Saying that ‘I’m attracted to honesty’ for instance might be true but I suspect that these lists are sometimes more about reinforcing ones self image than they are about creating an accurate report.

Also, I’m skeptical of the impulse to conflate sexual attraction with platonic attraction. I know that I’m personally stimulated by all sorts of things that are not necessarily normative and the statistical data suggests that I’m not alone. I’ve been drawn into the orbit of people who were quite toxic and I’m pretty sure some of my partners probably feel the same.

All that said, Redheads.

 
nonverbal
 
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nonverbal
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06 December 2018 10:48
 
Brick Bungalow - 06 December 2018 10:30 AM

There is a danger in these questions to smuggle flattery. Saying that ‘I’m attracted to honesty’ for instance might be true but I suspect that these lists are sometimes more about reinforcing ones self image than they are about creating an accurate report.

I’d like to see others’ lists, Brick. So far, I’m going on my personal observations over the years, which are certainly skewed in the direction of my own feelings as to what’s a turn-on. At least that’s what I’m attempting to point out.

Brick Bungalow - 06 December 2018 10:30 AM

Also, I’m skeptical of the impulse to conflate sexual attraction with platonic attraction.

If it seems that way in my list, it may be because I tend to view sexual attraction between humans similarly to the way Frans de Waal might observe it in his subjects. Here, I could once again cite John Lovitz to claim false competence, but I’m actually going by the seat of my underpants.

Brick Bungalow - 06 December 2018 10:30 AM

I know that I’m personally stimulated by all sorts of things that are not necessarily normative and the statistical data suggests that I’m not alone. I’ve been drawn into the orbit of people who were quite toxic and I’m pretty sure some of my partners probably feel the same.

All that said, Redheads.

I think quite a few here would appreciate some details. But maybe I’m mistaken.

 
Jan_CAN
 
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Jan_CAN
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06 December 2018 10:52
 

Interesting.  I (the only woman) posted what I think was an okay response to what seemed like a somewhat serious OP and get no feedback.  Whereas the guys ..... hmm.

Kind of a turn-off.

 
 
EN
 
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EN
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06 December 2018 10:54
 

Bald.

Wears glasses.

Lives in Texas.

Lawyer.

 
nonverbal
 
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nonverbal
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06 December 2018 10:56
 
Jan_CAN - 06 December 2018 10:52 AM

Interesting.  I (the only woman) posted what I think was an okay response to what seemed like a somewhat serious OP and get no feedback.  Whereas the guys ..... hmm.

Kind of a turn-off.

C’mon now, Jan. By now I would hope you know that silence from me translates to agreement? After all, commenting on perfection only indicates wasted breath or worse! What are you wearing right now, by the way?

 
EN
 
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EN
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06 December 2018 11:01
 
Jan_CAN - 06 December 2018 08:50 AM

Interesting topic.  nv, I think your list of positives is right-on.

I tend to lump together many of the listed positives as being ‘charming’ – not the phoney kind, but the old-fashioned meaning of someone who is pleasant, polite, friendly, and likable.

I think that, in general, men are somewhat more affected by physical appearance, at least initially.  Which is one reason why women’s self-worth has more often been tied up with their appearance.  We’d probably need an anthropologist to properly explain why this is so.  In addition, there are some people of both genders who are perhaps more superficial than others; I suspect some are affected by societal influences on who they should be attracted to instead of heeding their own instincts and preferences.

From my perspective, it is a turn-on when it is clear that a man actually likes women, not just sexually, e.g. sustained eye contact when listening to what you have to say, etc.  And top on my list is a sense of humour, which is also an indication of self-confidence and other attributes.

In general, whether looking for a little nooky or a long-term relationship, I think it is preferable to put less effort into trying to impress and more into being real.

Physical appearance is what starts a man’s interest, but after that he is interested in the total package.  A woman who is easy to get along with starts looking better physically.  A beautiful woman who is difficult ibecomes less attractive.  Physical appearance is the door, but there is a lot more after that.

 
Brick Bungalow
 
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Brick Bungalow
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06 December 2018 11:03
 
nonverbal - 06 December 2018 10:48 AM
Brick Bungalow - 06 December 2018 10:30 AM

There is a danger in these questions to smuggle flattery. Saying that ‘I’m attracted to honesty’ for instance might be true but I suspect that these lists are sometimes more about reinforcing ones self image than they are about creating an accurate report.

I’d like to see others’ lists, Brick. So far, I’m going on my personal observations over the years, which are certainly skewed in the direction of my own feelings as to what’s a turn-on. At least that’s what I’m attempting to point out.

Brick Bungalow - 06 December 2018 10:30 AM

Also, I’m skeptical of the impulse to conflate sexual attraction with platonic attraction.

If it seems that way in my list, it may be because I tend to view sexual attraction between humans similarly to the way Frans de Waal might observe it in his subjects. Here, I could once again cite John Lovitz to claim false competence, but I’m actually going by the seat of my underpants.

Brick Bungalow - 06 December 2018 10:30 AM

I know that I’m personally stimulated by all sorts of things that are not necessarily normative and the statistical data suggests that I’m not alone. I’ve been drawn into the orbit of people who were quite toxic and I’m pretty sure some of my partners probably feel the same.

All that said, Redheads.

I think quite a few here would appreciate some details. But maybe I’m mistaken.

Be assured that my comments are not directed at you or your list in particular. I just wanted to plant a flag about the topic in general and my experience with these conversations. I will volunteer myself, first as an example of someone who isn’t necessarily attracted to positive attributes.

I like quiet people who are passionate about obscure things. I find short stature attractive for some reason. I prefer people who don’t actively seek attention from groups. I have shown a preference for people whose complexion is different from mine, either lighter or darker. I like people who are adventurous about travel, food, music, art and new experiences.

 
Brick Bungalow
 
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Brick Bungalow
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06 December 2018 11:06
 
Jan_CAN - 06 December 2018 08:50 AM

Interesting topic.  nv, I think your list of positives is right-on.

I tend to lump together many of the listed positives as being ‘charming’ – not the phoney kind, but the old-fashioned meaning of someone who is pleasant, polite, friendly, and likable.

I think that, in general, men are somewhat more affected by physical appearance, at least initially.  Which is one reason why women’s self-worth has more often been tied up with their appearance.  We’d probably need an anthropologist to properly explain why this is so.  In addition, there are some people of both genders who are perhaps more superficial than others; I suspect some are affected by societal influences on who they should be attracted to instead of heeding their own instincts and preferences.

From my perspective, it is a turn-on when it is clear that a man actually likes women, not just sexually, e.g. sustained eye contact when listening to what you have to say, etc.  And top on my list is a sense of humour, which is also an indication of self-confidence and other attributes.

In general, whether looking for a little nooky or a long-term relationship, I think it is preferable to put less effort into trying to impress and more into being real.

Authenticity for sure. But it’s a hard thing to gauge. I think we are very good at faking realness. Particularly men.

 
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