Presumably it’s only people who need written instructions on how to live - all other animals are born perfect, able to take care of themselves without the need for a supernatural member of their species to come and perform miracles and tell them how to succeed. .
Cats may be an exception. If the Powers that Be admonished them with ten commandments, what would they be? Please leave other suggestions before the stone is engraved.
1. Thou shalt not kill birds!
2. Thou shalt not play with your food. (No more catch and release with mice).
3. Thou shalt not unspool rolls of toilet paper.
4. Thou shalt not dig holes and relieve yourself in the neighbor’s garden.
5. Thou shalt not climb trees or power poles higher than thou can get down.
6. Thou shalt not throw cat litter halfway across the room.
7. Thou shalt not leave mouse gall bladders on the kitchen floor.
8. Thou shalt not disappear on the day we are leaving on vacation. >_<*
9. Thou shalt not remove tufts of hair from the neighbor’s poodle.
10. Thou shalt not scratch the furniture.
Unsmoked, those are fine commandments from a non-feline creature point of view. The cat gods might add these:
11. Always play with your prey prior to eating it, and never worry—it will appreciate the knowledge that it’ll soon be enveloped into your glorious innards. It actually quite enjoys staying alive for those final few moments before its execution. They’re just non-feline animals, after all—basically automatons!
12. Never fear a dog, no matter how big and strong it might seem to be, or even actually be. Size means nothing, and keep in mind that these days—if a neighborhood dog is a male, he’s most likely dealing with life without benefit of any testosterone whatsoever! Hold your ground with them. If the dog is a female, climb a tree and wait it out.
No doubt many other commandments will be enacted or at least proposed.
Lol unsmoked, and I would add:
11. Thou shalt not expect more than one’s share of the bed, i.e. no laying crossways in the middle.
12. Thou shalt not lay in wait in the middle of the basement stairs.
But I think nonverbal has a point. The cat god that a domestic feline would invoke might have commandments such as:
1. Forgive your human for they know not what they do. e.g. when they take away your prey when generously offered up to them.
2. Thou shalt maintain one’s dignity at all times. i.e. should a mishap occur, pretend it was intentional and then lick yourself to disarm the humans.
3. Thou shalt dole out affection only when deserved. i.e. when the food bowl’s full, all comforts seen to.
4. Thou shalt ensure all physical contact is controlled. i.e. one too many tummy rubs should be met with a swat.
5. Thou shalt not tolerate being ignored. i.e. when a door needs opening, meow incessantly; when a newspaper is being read, jump on it; those things with keys they like to sit in front of and tap repeatedly should be walked/laid on, etc.
6. Since it is recognized that one’s humans also have their needs, thou shalt bring comfort (when you want to) – soft purring, cuddling, affectionate gazes, etc. (The kittycat Golden Rule).
Thou shall not stand on the chest of your sleeping servant and meow in his/her face for food before 8:00 AM weekdays and 10:00 AM weekends.
Thou shall not use anything inside the house as a scratching post.
Thou shall not have unrestricted in/out privileges. Make up your feline mind!
All presents/prey you bring into the house must be dead before admittance will be granted.
If the Powers that Be are truly omnipotent they would know full well that rather than having their omnipotence challenged by the abysmal failure of adherence to the cat ten commandments, said ten commandments should be directed to the “Domestics” where the failsafe process of sin/retribution/forgiveness/redemption will have far more efficacy. Please leave other suggestions before the stone is engraved and presented to domestics..
Domestic Cat rules:-
1 Dogs have masters, cats have domestics (domestic servants :- sometimes presumptuously known as owners)
2 Any state of confusion or doubt refer to rule 1 as preeminent.
3 Meows should be attended to promptly, however, attendance may not necessarily be acknowledged.
4 Never assume, that which was eagerly devoured yesterday maybe summarily dismissed as unacceptable today.
5 Your sitting in my spot! Move.
6 Excessive rubbing/patting will be dismissed with a swat, please be aware of indicators of the impending swat, there won’t be any. (skill test for domestics)
7 Hiding behind something and leaping out to latch on to an ankle and bite is just my way of testing my multi-tasking as a sheep dog. This is acceptable behavior, please make adjustment to your response to reflect the appropriate skill and dexterity.
8 Cat biscuits flicked out of the self feeder and chased across the kitchen floor and pounced on thereafter being consumed, is also a skills test and amusement. Any cat biscuits left on the kitchen floor should I get bored with this game should be promptly returned to the feeder.
9 Please leave in a sunny accessible spot, freshly washed and folded cloths for me to find and lay on. Do not disturb my slumber you may re-wash as necessary after I have awoken.
10 Any cardboard boxes, bags or personal paraphernalia brought into the house should be presented for immediate inspection and suitability as a hiding or sleeping spot.
Thou shall honor no Commandment except when inconvenient or ironic.
I hope posting about cats isn’t anyone’s pet peeve.
Cat-reasoning is easy to see. If my grey tabby doesn’t have treats, it is because I haven’t given him any yet. This motivates him to be a badger and a third shoe until I give in. He can see his wants fulfilled. It is easy to see how foolish this is.
For awhile now, I have been putting his treats in places he hangs out that are not in plain sight like the top of the stool. I repeat a few spots but mostly pick new ones. It may take time, but he will stumble into them eventually.
Now, if he doesn’t have treats, it is not because I haven’t given him any yet. I play no role in his unfulfilled wants and I may continue my activities un-badgered. He is sure they are somewhere as he blinks at me. He knows the daily dosage has been established. It is Barf -1.
My next cat-brained scheme is to get him to realize that the same physical reality is accessed by the front and back doors.
If a cat was hiring you as its doorman or other menial position, the caption would read, “Yours is a most impressive resume, and you’ve scented it with catnip.”
“The leaves and stems of the catnip plant contain an oil called “nepetalactone.” When cats smell nepetalactone, it stimulates special receptors that sense chemicals called “pheromones.” The result is a kind of chemical reaction that gives the cat a sense of euphoria or overwhelming happiness.”