So I had agoraphobia for 20 years and think I got better in a few weeks…..

 
somename
 
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somename
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14 October 2020 12:12
 

I’m not really sure where to post this but I guess it will be my introduction.  Being a fan of Sam Harris you may have some clue as to what helped accelerate this rapid change.

It is completely fucking jarring to everyone including myself how much different I am.  The same exact memories have completely different meanings. 

My anxiety that was all centered around people having some low opinion of me and now it’s mostly centered around causing others the anxiety I used to get and still do to a lessor degree.  I used to be so guarded and now am a complete blabber mouth lol.  I used to say nothing and now I say too much.  I’m getting it under control though through mindful consideration of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I have a counselor and a psychiatrist that both have no fucking clue that a person can even change this fast.  They both think I’m manic, which I may seem compared to how I behaved before, but I feel more mindful then ever in my life.  They also appear to believe I’m on crack or meth or something lol.  I do smoke weed but they know that (medically approved).

I used to use the Waking Up app and probably should go back to it but even without it it feels like I can just choose to be mindful every time I start feeling like shit.  Its like an alarm goes off in my brain and I start thinking about why I feel bad and then choose if I want to continue that line of thinking or not.

I have been much more impulsive then before though and it does slightly concern me.  I have pissed away probably like 80 bucks in the past few weeks that I can’t really afford to since the “enlightenment” which I never did before.  It’s something that I now feel I’m more mindful of and have under better control.  I guess it’s better to try too much then to not try enough in life?

I still do have some kind of “panic disorder” although it’s different now.  I only seem to feel it physically now though and not so much mentally.  It does still cause discomfort and brain fog but not as bad as before.  And instead of being embarrassed and hiding it I’ll actually talk about it sometimes.  The old me would have never done that.

I am now on a online dating app and talking with girls.  I have almost no anxiety at all about telling them all the pathetic shit that is my life because of the agoraphobia basically side tracking my entire life after high school.  I would have had a panic attack just thinking about it before.  Of course it’s really not a good idea to tell them everything right away.  I scared the first girl off after one call lol.

What the fuck do I do with my life now?  I’m 37.  I live with my parents and it’s not a good situation.  I get a SSI check but I’m not sure what I can really do with that without some other government aid or getting a job? 

How do you explain your situation in life if your me?  Its so fucking bizarre.  To girls?  Drs?  Friends?

By the way it’s only been like a month since I was really much worse off then I am now.

What should I even be trying to do right now?  I feel like I have only a few good people in my life so I’m trying to meet new people to talk too also.

I have sort of half ass learned some programming stuff but not enough to really be hirable and not in months now.  Maybe I should work on that more?  Other people have told me I should just go out and get any minimum wage job right away.  What should I do?

Pretty crazy intro huh?

Is Sam here to give any insight or talk about other people having similar experiences?  I mean he’s probably way to busy with other stuff but you can always hope lol.

 
Cheshire Cat
 
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14 October 2020 13:06
 

Welcome, Somename.

I certainly admire your honesty, self awareness and willingness to expose your vulnerability. You are braver than you give yourself credit.

I’m glad that Sam’s meditation app is helping you. Speaking of Sam — he doesn’t come here to make comments or to post replies. We who come this forum are the red-headed step children of Sam Harris; he knows we’re here but he basically ignores us.

There are a handful of posters here who meditate, but the majority do not. I’ve been practicing Vipassana meditation for over a decade now. It has helped me considerably. I encourage you to continue to meditate and to explore your own mind. I hope you find the peace of mind that you are searching for.

You seem to be in good hands, being under the guidance of both a counselor and psychiatrist. They know you and your situation much better than those of us reading your writing here for the first time, do.

Fear and anxiety are natural feelings. Sometimes they help to keep us safe from harm, at other times, they only hold us back. There is a part of you that can tell the difference. Follow that intuition.

 
 
somename
 
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somename
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14 October 2020 13:31
 
Cheshire Cat - 14 October 2020 01:06 PM

Fear and anxiety are natural feelings. Sometimes they help to keep us safe from harm, at other times, they only hold us back. There is a part of you that can tell the difference. Follow that intuition.

Yes this is very true.  I always knew it was holding me back of course but for whatever reason I just couldn’t let go of my anxiety issues.  They are still there and still come up including now but I can just move past it and realize it will disappear eventually.

I think I need my anxiety about money back right now though smile  Not used to trying to install anxiety in myself.

I thought Sam had a forum?  Is it a paywall thing? 

Well regardless if Sam ever sees this.  Thanks man.  You certainly were a big influence on me and helped get me out of the hellhole I was in.  Thanks for the free app also when I couldn’t afford it.  Hopefully I can pay soon smile

Also I’m still interested in any other stories that are similar or advice if anyone has some?

 
Antisocialdarwinist
 
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14 October 2020 18:43
 
somename - 14 October 2020 12:12 PM

What the fuck do I do with my life now?  I’m 37.  I live with my parents and it’s not a good situation.  I get a SSI check but I’m not sure what I can really do with that without some other government aid or getting a job?

Dedicate your life to Social Justice. Sounds like you’ll fit right in with that crowd.

 
 
somename
 
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14 October 2020 19:47
 
Antisocialdarwinist - 14 October 2020 06:43 PM
somename - 14 October 2020 12:12 PM

What the fuck do I do with my life now?  I’m 37.  I live with my parents and it’s not a good situation.  I get a SSI check but I’m not sure what I can really do with that without some other government aid or getting a job?

Dedicate your life to Social Justice. Sounds like you’ll fit right in with that crowd.

ok…. anyone else?

By the way man while I do find your comment slightly annoying I feel sorry for you more then anything.  I used to be like you except way worse.  It really sucks being so bitter and angry at the world huh?

edit - Pretty sure this guy is just a joker but if anyone is actually confused I’m not planning on staying on SSI forever.  I’m planning on staying on it until I can establish a routine that allows me to make money and stay non depressed and at a manageable level of stress and anxiety.  The worst possible thing that could happen is going off of it early and then having to reapply.

[ Edited: 14 October 2020 19:54 by somename]
 
Nhoj Morley
 
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Nhoj Morley
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14 October 2020 22:22
 

Tossing jabs at newbies will lead to a loss of posting privileges. You should know, Mr. Name, that seeking personal advice on discussion forums is inviting dismissal and cruelty. Proceed with caution. I say pick something you like, get immersed in it, and work on becoming valuable to others.

This is the original Harris Forum that The Boss pays for. He wisely stays away from it. There is no interest upstairs in sprucing up the forum or even updating the title of The Boss’s podcast.

We maintain a Harristic ambiance on a tight budget. We got all the out of date merch.

 
 
somename
 
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somename
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15 October 2020 08:09
 
Nhoj Morley - 14 October 2020 10:22 PM

Tossing jabs at newbies will lead to a loss of posting privileges. You should know, Mr. Name, that seeking personal advice on discussion forums is inviting dismissal and cruelty. Proceed with caution. I say pick something you like, get immersed in it, and work on becoming valuable to others.

This is the original Harris Forum that The Boss pays for. He wisely stays away from it. There is no interest upstairs in sprucing up the forum or even updating the title of The Boss’s podcast.

We maintain a Harristic ambiance on a tight budget. We got all the out of date merch.

Ok thanks for the information. 

I do realize I’m exposing myself quite a bit but honestly I didn’t think I would see that kind of reaction from anyone that is a fan of Sam Harris.  Not that it was even all that bad of a reaction.  I hate the disability system more then just about anyone trust me. 

The great thing is it really doesn’t bother me much.  I know where I have been and where I am now.  At my current rate of improvement I will be god emperor of the universe in another 3 years lol.

Also I am currently trying to immerse myself a bit in the online dating thing and just socializing with people I already know.  I have several people saying they have heard more from me in the past week then the past 20 years before that.  I even become friends with a guys I went to school with and was cool with but never really hung out with outside of mutual friends.

The sick thing with the health care people is that they put so much effort into helping me and then are nothing but concerned and questioning my sanity once I’m happy and full of energy.  They just can’t accept it and think something must be wrong.  I might need them more now then ever and I will probably have to dump them and find new people that didn’t know me before.

 
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15 October 2020 08:24
 

Welcome to the neighborhood bar, somename, where you won’t get professional help, but where you may cathartically get something off your mind.  Set your expectations low if you are seeking some kind of help here, but if you are trying to come out from the weight of anxiety, then this place may be of some help; all we ask is for your honesty.

 
somename
 
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somename
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15 October 2020 08:38
 

This forum might be the best place in the world for me right now.  I love Sam Harris, I’m socially retarded, anxiety isn’t quite gone but I’m ok with it, and you guys will talk shit about me.  Sounds good.  Tell me when I’m saying something that will scare off the girls!  smile

edit - I know, everything I have said so far lol.

 
burt
 
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burt
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15 October 2020 09:25
 
somename - 15 October 2020 08:38 AM

This forum might be the best place in the world for me right now.  I love Sam Harris, I’m socially retarded, anxiety isn’t quite gone but I’m ok with it, and you guys will talk shit about me.  Sounds good.  Tell me when I’m saying something that will scare off the girls!  smile

edit - I know, everything I have said so far lol.

https://existentialcomics.com/

 
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15 October 2020 14:45
 
somename - 15 October 2020 08:38 AM

. . . and you guys will talk shit about me.

Only to your face.  You need not worry about backstabbing gossip, if that’s any consolation.

 
Antisocialdarwinist
 
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15 October 2020 22:31
 
Nhoj Morley - 14 October 2020 10:22 PM

Tossing jabs at newbies will lead to a loss of posting privileges.

I didn’t toss a jab at the newbie, Nhoj, I tossed it at the SJWs. The collateral damage was…collateral.

 
 
Nhoj Morley
 
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15 October 2020 22:59
 

I love finessing.

My cautionary was directed at those who take jabs at newbies. Any sensation of being cautioned is collateral.

All faces have survived.

 
 
icehorse
 
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icehorse
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17 October 2020 10:04
 

Thumbs up on meditation, try different kinds, including walking meditations.

Pursue mastery of something that’s hard to master. Could be violin or photography or making pastries, or furniture making or chess or tennis or… And I don’t mean dabble in it, I mean really go after it. There are numerous benefits to such pursuits.

Exercise.

good luck.